Authored and edited by:
Doug A Scott, Proctor of Parodies
[HQ under Doug's hut.]
Doug [laughing hard and holding his sides]: Hahahahahahah! Oh, God that's funny! Do it again!
Cleo [staring in amazement]: Okay, but I don't get why you find this so funny. [mimicking Carol Channing] I'm Spartacus!
Doug: Bwahahahah! Do it aga--
[With a quiet "pop!", Doug disappears.]
Cleo [eyes bugging]: Doug? Doug?! [waits a beats] EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
[Hel, Sarge and Theo come running.]
Sarge: What? What?
Cleo: Doug... he... there... pop... gone...
Hel: Cleo, calm down, what happened? Where's Doug?
Cleo: He was sitting right there one second and then... he was gone... He just vanished!
Hel: Theo, get some readings on that spot right away.
Theo [picking up a nearby instrument]: On it!
Hel: And Sarge, get Mauser!
[Shortly, Mauser has started analyzing the data Theo recorded.]
Mauser: It appears that Doug's cells were in a state of trans-temporal flux.
Sarge: Um, English please.
Mauser: In the simplest terms, Doug has become "unstuck" from our reality and is quite probably drifting through the multiverse. I would theorize that the stresses his body went through as he passed through Doctor Forrester's dimensional gate as it closed at the conclusion of the Villain Invasion are responsible.
Sarge: Thank you, Mister Exposition.
Hel: C'mon, Sarge, this is serious. How do we get Doug back?
Mauser: I don't know if we can. I suppose we could try to recreate the gate and follow, but we have no way of tracking him.
Cleo: So... Doug's... on his own?
Mauser: I'm afraid so.
[To be continued.]
[The gleaming white control room of the TARDIS. Doug "pops!" out of thin air, still sitting. Unfortunately, he is no longer in a chair.]
Doug: --in! OOOF! What th...? Hey! How'd I get here?
Woman's voice: Excuse me, can we help you?
[Doug looks up and sees a tall man with curly hair wearing a scarf and a smaller woman with long, blonde hair. He notices what seems to be a robot dog wheeling its way into the room.]
Doug: K-9? Romana? Doctor?
Doctor: You have us at a disadvantage...?
Doug: Doug.
Doctor: ...Doug.
[Romana helps Doug up off of the floor.]
Doug: Thanks.
Romana: You're quite welcome.
Doctor: Yes, quite. Now... [darkly] what are you doing in my TARDIS?
Doug: Wish I knew.
K-9: Master, have detected an abundance of transchrono particles in the immediate area.
Doctor: What? Transchrono particles? That means... What does that mean?
Romana: It means that something... [looks pointedly at Doug] ...or someone
has just arrived from another universe.
Doctor: Yes, of course, quite right. I was just testing you.
Doug: Oh, poopie. The portal.
Romana: Portal?
Doug: A while back, I passed through a dimensional portal just as it was closing. It must have affected me somehow.
Doctor: K-9, check him out.
[K-9 approaches, extracts his main sensor at Doug and begins analysis.]
K-9: Subject's cells are in a state of trans-temporal flux. Readings indicate that, unless stabilized, subject will continue to drift through multiple universes, staying in each for a period of time ranging from minutes to hours.
Doug: What? Well, how do I stop it? How do I get back home?
K-9: Insufficient data.
Doug: Well, that's just great. Who knows where I'll end--
[Pop!]
Doctor: Oh, dear, there he goes.
[To be continued.]
[A tropical forest in the middle of the night. Pop!]
Doug: -- up! [Sighs] It's gonna be one of those days. [Looks around] Okay, someplace dark. Good. Whee. Ah, what's this?
[Doug finds what seems to be a jeep up a tree. He tries to make out the lettering just visible on its side.]
Doug: J...U...R...A...S...S...I...C... [pause] Damn.
[Thoom! Thoom! Thoom! The ground shudders rhythmically and a T. Rex bursts through the trees.]
Doug: AAAAAAAAHHHH!
[Doug begins to run. The T. Rex is seconds from catching him when-- Pop!]
[Pop! Doug reappears, finding himself in the middle of a group a panicked Japanese mob.]
Random people: Gojira! Gojira!
[Doug looks up and, sure enough, there's Godzilla, terrorizing Tokyo.]
Doug: Swell. More giant lizards. Just PEACHY!
[Pop!]
[Pop! A huge battle is taking place between Gungans and Battle Droids.]
Doug: Holy mother of--!
[Doug runs around like a chicken with its head cut off and rams straight into Jar-Jar Binks.]
Doug: OOOF!
Jar-Jar: Ouchie! Watch-a where youse is-a goin'!
Doug: Get me outta here!
[Pop!]
[Pop! Now Doug's in the cabin from Evil Dead. There's a whole lotta chaos going on here.]
Ash: What the hell are you doing here?
Doug: Ash? I don't know how long I'm stuck here! If you get back to the Village soon, tell someone--
Dead Henrietta: I'll swallow your souls!!!!
Ash: [punching Dead H repeatedly] I! Have had! Enough!
Of you!
Doug: That's it! It's official! I want my mommy!!
[Pop!]
[To be continued.]
[Skipping a few universes...]
[Trinity College. Ancient Civilizations Department. Professor Sydney Fox is in her office; assistant Nigel Bailey and secretary Claudia are at their usual desks.]
Claudia: [answering phone] Ancient Studies.
[Pop! Doug appears, wearing 1940s style clothing, including a trenchcoat, and carrying a pistol. Wherever he's been, it's been raining.]
Claudia: Aaaah!
Nigel: Aaaah!
Doug: [looking around, relieved] Oh, thank God! No more Nazis. [drops gun to the floor, exhausted] I hate Nazis. You guys mind if I sit? Thanks. [flops down in a nearby chair and sighs] I wanna go home.
Claudia: [into phone] Can I call you back? A crazy person just appeared out of nowhere in our office. Thanksbye. [hangs up]
Sydney: [coming out of her office] What's going on? Who's he?
Nigel: He-- he just-- [waves hands vaguely] Pop!
Doug: [sighs again] Here we go again. [clears throat; he's obviously got this down by now] My name is Doug. I am an unwilling transdimensional traveller who has become unstuck from his own reality and is randomly passing through the multiverse. There's another bit of that speech where I ask for any possible assistance, but I don't think you'll be equipped for that kind of thing here. [looks up at Sydney] Sydney Fox, I presume? I enjoy watching your adventures.
Sydney: Excuse me?
Doug: Where I come from, you're all TV characters.
Sydney: Rrrright... Don't suppose you can back that up?
Doug: Do you have any idea how many times Nigel's seen you naked?
Nigel: Hey!
Doug: Beyond the times you know about, like the nudist colony in Sweden, there's the time he saw you showering in that magician's mansion.
Claudia: Okay. This just entered the realm of too much information.
Nigel: Ix-nay on the ower-shay!
Doug: It wasn't his fault, there was a funny two-way mirror he couldn't shut off.
Sydney: Nigel, is this true?
Nigel: Umm... yes?
Sydney: [back to Doug] What else can you tell me?
[Doug begins to rattle off a number of obscure facts about Sydney and Nigel's adventures that no one could possibly know without being there.]
Sydney: Okay, okay! As weird as this sounds... you're legit.
Nigel: You mean people actually watch us do the things we do? How peculiar. [looks around warily, as if for a camera]
Doug: God, I'm bushed. Could someone give me a hand up?
[Sydney reaches out and takes Doug by the hand. Pop! Doug disappears... so does Sydney.]
Nigel: Aaaaah!
Claudia: Aaaaah!
[Long pause.]
Nigel: Oh, dear.
[To be continued.]
[Pop! Doug and Sydney, still holding hands as if shaking them, appear in a large white room with various futuristic device scattered about; a starfield is visible through a window. Syd and Doug are obviously stunned. After a moment, Doug looks down at their hands.]
Doug: That's never happened before.
Sydney: [pulling her hand away] What the hell have you done?!
Doug: [sheepishly] Um... it looks like making direct physical contact while I moved on... um... brought you with me. Sorry.
Sydney: Well, send me back!
Doug: I can't! I can't get myself home much less you. Once I find out how to return to where I belong, I'm sure you can be returned as well.
Sydney: Great. Just great. So where are we?
Doug: I'm not sure. It looks sort of familiar.
[A voice can be heard over an intercom.]
Dave Bowman: Hal, open the pod bay door!
HAL 9000: I'm sorry, Dave. I can't do that. One moment please. Intruder alert.
Doug: Aw, no!
Sydney: Can you get us out of here?
Doug: I have no control! I don't even know if we need to be--
[Pop!]
[Pop!]
Doug: --touching each other for us to both transit! [looks around] Guess not.
Sydney: So now where are we?
[They are in what appears to be a large meeting room with a huge round table.]
Doug: This looks familiar, too. [noticing the logos on the back of the chairs] Hey, Superman's "S"! And the Flash's lightning bolt! And... wow. I just realized. We're on the moon.
Sydney: We're where?
Doug: The Watchtower. Justice League Headquarters on the moon.
Sydney: We're in a comic book?
Doug: Seems that way.
New voice: Ahem.
[Syd and Doug turn around and find themselves face-to-face with Batman.]
Doug: Eep.
Batman: [rather menacingly] Are who are you?
Doug: [panicking slightly] Transdimensional visitors! Here by accident! Need help getting home!
[Superman enters.]
Superman: Bruce, leave them alone.
Batman: I take it these are friends of yours, otherwise you wouldn't be using my real name... Clark.
Superman: One of them's a passing acquaintance. You're... Doug, right? From Joxopolis? I don't spend much time there as a Toy, but you looked familiar.
Doug: Yes, thank God, someone else who knows me. This is Sydney Fox, Relic Hunter.
[Flash and Green Lantern enter, hearing this last bit.]
GL: Sydney Fox? Wow! [creating bouquet of flowers with ring] Lovely flowers for a lovely lady.
Flash: You are shamless.
GL: Back off, Wally. [back to Syd] Excuse my friend, he's just cranky because he's married and out of... heh... the "running".
Flash: Oh, ha.
Sydney: No offense... um, what is it? Green Boy?
GL: [flowers beginning to droop] That's Green Lantern.
Sydney: Green Lantern... but right now, nobody's in the "running". Including you.
GL: [flowers droop rest of way and vanish] Oh, well, it was worth a shot.
Doug: Great, now that that's settled, can anyone get us--
[Pop!]
Batman: Hmm. Peculiar. Clark?
Superman: Yes, Bruce.
Batman: "Toy?"
[To be continued.]
[Several universes later...]
[In orbit around the Moon, there hangs a half-built space station which has been converted into a bar. It spins slowly in the void, its neon logo flashing "SpaceBar." Inside are the usual inhabitants, the Bartender, his sarcastic robot "helper" Simon, and alien cultural ambassador/barfly Grot, who has a turtle-shell as part of his skull.]
[With a "pop!", Sydney and Doug appear in the Bar. Sydney seems to have a Ghostbusters particle accelerator strapped to her back. Doug cowers behind her. They're both slightly slimy.]
Doug: That was way to close! I think I hate ghosts almost as much as I hate Nazis.
Sydney: We've still got the accelerator.
Doug: Oops. The guys won't be too happy with that. Still, if you hadn't been there to help identify that relic, Zarmagon might have taken over their world. Sorry about the cowering, by the way.
Sydney: That's okay, I'm used to it.
Doug: Hey!
Sydney: I mean Nigel.
Doug: Oh.
[Sydney shrugs off the accelerator and notices the bar. They walk over.]
Doug: Cool, the SpaceBar! We should be safe as long as we're here.
Bartender: Hey! It's Tia Carrere!
Simon: Finally, a decent interview.
Sydney: Who's Tia Carrere?
Doug: I'll explain later. [to Bartender] Hi, there! My name's Doug and this, contrary to appearances, is not Tia Carrere. This is Sydney Fox, Relic Hunter.
Simon: Pull the other one.
Doug: No, really! I'm an unwilling cross-dimensional traveller and I accidentally picked up Sydney several stops back. We'll only be here a little while before we drift on to the next reality, unless we find a way to stop.
Grot: On Grot's planet--
Simon: Oh, for the love of God...
Grot: --we mastered trans-dimensional travel centuries ago. It's actually taught in grade school.
Doug: Really? So you can find a way to send us home?
Grot: [smiling sheepishly] Um... well... I was sick that day...
Simon: Typical.
Bartender: So, what'll you have?
Doug: Um, I don't know if we have any local currency. I've mostly just got Canadian.
Bartender: Are you kidding? Canadian currency is the most widely accepted in the universe!
Doug: Really?
Bartender: Yup. And it's got the best exchange rate. Much better than American.
Doug: Wow. I'm in heaven.
Bartender: So...?
Doug: Well, I don't drink alcohol...
Simon: Wussie.
Doug: Bite me, tin-for-brains. I'll have something with lots of fruit juice in it.
Sydney: I'll have the same. I want to keep my head clear; you never know when I'm going to be using an unlicensed nuclear device again.
Grot: Yikes!
[Drinks are served.]
Sydney: Quit staring.
Grot: I'm sorry, we just don't get many visitors of the female persuasion around here.
Simon: Well, there was that time we interviewed Traci Lords because she was joining the cast of "First Wave."
Grot: What? What?! Where was I?!
Bartender: Simon, I thought we agreed not to mention that around Grot.
Simon: Wrong. You agreed. There's no way I'm passing up a chance to torture Shell-Head.
Sydney: [to Doug] Are they always like this?
Doug: Usually worse.
[While Grot and Simon continue to bicker, Doug and Sydney sip their drinks.]
Doug: It's nice not to be shot at, isn't it?
Sydney: Or to be fighting super-villains or demons trying to rule the world.
Bartender: Well, it's about time for our first feature.
Doug: On the other hand...
Sydney: "Feature?"
Doug: Every week, these guys end up watching a double feature of... less than sterling quality films.
Bartender: Hey! They're not all bad! We showed Close Encounters once. And just a while back, we showed Event Horizon.
[Quiet as all stare at Bartender.]
Bartender: It had good effects, okay? Anyway... [turns away, seems to talk to nothing] Tonight's first movie...
Sydney: What's he doing?
Doug: Talking to the camera.
Sydney: [looking around] What camera?
Doug: I'll explain later.
Bartender: ...is the 1957 Roger Corman classic--
Simon: Oh, God, not Corman! Anything but Corman!
Bartender: Not all Corman is bad.
Simon: The man made maybe three good movies in his career.
Bartender: Well, maybe we're showing one of those.
Simon: I'm not getting my hopes up.
Bartender: [back to "camera"] ...the 1957 Roger Corman classic, Attack of the Crab Monsters.
Simon: Sweet mother of God!
Doug: This would be a really good time to--
[Pop!]
Simon: No! Wait! Take me with you! By all that's holy, please!
Grot: I liked her. She was pretty.
Simon: Shut! Up! You!
Grot: Hey, they left their particle accelerator behind. [gets up to retrieve it]
Simon: Quick! Stop him!
[The Bartender leaps desperately and tackles Grot to the floor. Fade to black. Movie begins... but, fortunately, we don't have to see it.]
[To be continued.]
[The conference room of the USS Voyager. The main crew are assembled. Pop! Doug and Syd appear standing on the conference table, still holding their drinks.]
Doug: --move on. Hey! The Voyager crew! If anyone can get us home, it's a crack Federation starship crew.
Sydney: Assuming they don't kill us first.
[Everyone with a phaser has pulled it out and aimed it at the duo. Except for...]
Harry Kim: No! Wait!
Holo-Doc: They're friendly!
Doug: That's right, you two are Toys back home!
Janeway: I take it these people are from that place you two claim to visit. What was it...?
Harry: The Amazon Village of Love.
Doc: Mister Kim, that is not its name.
Harry: Party pooper.
Doc: Its correct name is Joxopolis.
[Phasers are mercifully re-holstered.]
Sydney: Could someone help us down?
[Harry and Tom push each other out of the way trying to help Sydney down, eventually leaving it to Tuvok. Doug is helped down by Seven.]
Doug: [staring at Seven, in goofy voice] Pretty.
Seven: You are staring. It is my understanding that this is impolite.
Doug: [shaking head] Sorry. It's just that you're wearing the blue jumpsuit. I love the blue jumpsuit. It really suits you.
Janeway: Now, what can we do for you?
[Introduction are made and explanations are given.]
Janeway: Well, I think we can try to give our new friends some assistance. Although I don't know what we can do. Seven, take them down to astrometrics. This kind of strangeness seems like your cup of tea.
Doug: You mean, I get to spend time with Seven? There is a god.
[Shortly, in astrometrics. Seven scans Doug and Syd with a tricorder. The results of the scan appear on the great big astrometrics screen.]
Seven: Your cells do appear to be in temporal flux. It would be theoretically possible to slow or even halt your progress through the multiverse, but, as yet, I do not see a way to return you to your native realities.
Doug: [staring again] I want to bear your children.
[Seven and Sydney stare at Doug.]
Doug: I'm sorry, was that out loud?
[More staring.]
Seven: To continue...
[Seven moves over to a console, Doug and Syd following. Harry and Tom enter.]
Harry: So, how goes it?
[Seven stops walking abruptly to turn and answer Harry. Doug bumps into her.]
Doug: Oops. Sor--
[Pop! Harry and Tom are now alone. A long pause follows.]
Tom: I'm not gonna tell the captain.
Harry: Well, I'm sure not doing it.
Tom: Maybe if we wait a minute, they'll come back.
[Pause.]
Tom: Or not.
[To be continued.]
[A corridor; the walls, floor and ceiling are all metallic. There is a porthole on one wall, through which it is clear this is a deep-sea vessel. Pop! Doug, Syd and Seven appear.]
Doug: --ry! Uh-oh. Y'know, I seem to be saying "uh-oh" a lot lately.
Seven: What has happened?
Syd: We've been through this! You're not supposed to touch anyone!
Doug: I didn't mean to!
Seven: [angry] I wish to be returned to Voyager immediately.
Doug: You know I can't do that. I'm afraid you're stuck travelling with us until we all find a way home. I'm sorry.
Seven: Your apology is insufficient.
Sydney: Seven, calm down. We'll find a way back, all right? And, as much as I hate to admit it, the whole thing's kind of fun.
Seven: [icy] Fun?
Sydney: Sure. New cultures, interesting people...
Seven: [to Doug] Fun?
Doug: Don't look at me. Lately, I'm spending all my waking hours in abject terror. Let's find out where we are.
[As they round a corner, they see a small group of sailors, frantically reporting to a man who seems to be their leader.]
Sailor: Captain Nemo, sir! The giant squid is attacking!
Doug: At the risk of repeating myself... Uh-oh.
[A nearby hatch bursts open; water gushes through and a massive tentacle reaches out. Our heroes grab the nearest railing and hold on for dear life.]
Seven: Fun?!
[Pop!]
[Pop! The trio re-appear in a old western town. Bullets are flying everywhere. The three run for the nearby saloon.]
Doug: At least it's dry!
[They enter the saloon to find a massive brawl going on.]
Doug: [weighing options] Frying pan. Fire. Frying pan. Fire. Frying pan...
Sydney: Incoming!
[Our heroes get caught in the fight. Sydney does great, doing her flying kick stuff. Seven does well, too, although with a little less panache. Doug stumbles his way through à la Joxer.]
Seven: Will this sort of situation turn up frequently?
Sydney: Oh, no! Sometimes things can get pretty rough!
Seven: [muttering to self] Splendid...
[To be continued.]
[Part 9 of this lunatic epic is so big, it gets its own page. So go read it there, then pop back here for the rest.]
[An Amazon village. Unfortunately, not Joxopolis. Our threesome of heroes... Sorry, brain just locked up, shouldn't have used the word "threesome"... our three heroes (there, that's better) are engaged in pretty furious sword battle with a horde of Amazons.]
Doug: We wouldn't be having this trouble if Xena or Gabrielle were anywhere in the vicinity!
Seven: Perhaps difficulty could have been avoided if we had not appeared in the middle of the Amazon communal shower!
Doug: Hey! It's not my fault! I don't have any control over where we pop in! I closed my eyes right away!
Sydney: Less talk! More fight!
[Pop!]
[Pop! The three appear in a bar. Most of the customers are demons, vampires or the like. On stage, a demon belts out a rather bad karaoke rendition of "Oops... I Did It Again." The sudden materialization gets a few glances, but nothing more. A green demon with a drink in one hand approaches. He holds the drink out.]
Host: Here. You all look like you need a drink more than I do. And I'll have to ask you to check your swords.
[As a couple of other demons politely take away the swords, Sydney grabs the drink and slams it back.]
Sydney: Thanks. Who are you?
Seven: What are you?
Doug: Seven, don't be rude. You're the Host of Caritas, aren't you? The demon karaoke bar?
Host: Got it in one.
Sydney: Demon... karaoke? That's just... evil.
Doug: There's a reason for the karaoke. The Host is anagogic. He can tell people, and I use the term loosely there, what they're meant to do next. He helps guide them.
Sydney: We could certainly use some guidance about now.
Doug: But because he's anagogic, he can only do it when you sing.
Host: That's right, boy and girls. You want help, you gotta sing. All three of you, I think.
Doug: No! Not again! I've had to sing for my life too many times already on this little jaunt! I don't want to sing any more!
[That whoosh thing TV shows do to indicate a quick change of scene. Doug, Sydney and Seven are on stage. The S girls are singing the background chant, while Doug sings lead. Seven's the only one on key, but all three look terribly uncomfortable.]
Syd and Sev: Domo arigato, Mister Roboto.
Doug: Thank you very much, Mister Roboto, for helping me escape, when I needed to. Thank you! Thank you thank you!
[Whoosh away to end the suffering. Now all sit around a table, nursing drinks of varying alcoholic content.]
Doug: There. You happy now?
Host: Happy's not quite the right word. That was an interesting... interpretation.
Sydney: Just tell us how to get home.
[A waiter passes by and hands the Host a drink.]
Host: Thank you, Raul. I'd rather have a bottle in front of than a frontal lobotomy! [back to the three] I don't know what I'd do without him. Don't worry. You'll get home.
Doug: How?
Host: You've known all along how to get home.
Doug: Great, what am I? Dorothy Gale?
Seven: [Glinda voice] Are you a good witch or a bad witch? [shakes head] This is most frustrating.
Host: You might want to get that looked at. Anyway, you just need to be in the right locale, which has now been arranged. The next stop will be your last; you'll all stop drifting. From there, you're on your own.
Doug: Why are the Powers That Be being so helpful?
Host: You're a bit of a disrupting influence on the multiverse.
Doug: Fair enough. But where are we--
[Pop!]
Host: Good luck, amigos.
[To be concluded.]
[A cobblestoned street in what looks like an Olde England style city. Pop!]
Doug: -- going? Ooof!
[Doug, Sydney and Seven pick themselves up of the ground.]
Sydney: He could've warned us. So, where are we?
Seven: And what is that odour?
Doug: It is pretty rank, isn't it? Seems to be coming from this river over here...
Sydney: That is not a river. Water doesn't move that slowly.
Doug: Wait! I think I know where we are! We're in Ankh-Morpork! On the Discworld! [looks at the Ankh River] Um, don't drink the water.
Sydney: What water?
Seven: This is our final destination? How do we use this place to return to our rightful places.
Doug: I'm not sure... [spots the Tower of Art and begins to smile] That's it! I know exactly how to get home. We're going that way.
[Doug begins walking purposefully toward the Tower of Art and Unseen University. He explains on the way.]
Doug: We need the Librarian.
Seven: A librarian?
Doug: Not a librarian. The Librarian. Capital L. He's an orangutang.
Sydney: How's a monk--
Doug: Stop! Whatever you do, don't use the word "monkey" in front of him. He's very sensitive about it.
Sydney: All right, then, how is this orangutang going to help us home?
Doug: All libraries in the multiverse are connected through L-Space. If you know the route, any library can lead you to any other library that is or was.
Sydney: Handy.
Doug: Only the greatest of librarians can accurately navigate L-Space. And this Librarian is possibly the best.
Death: EXCUSE ME.
Doug: Aaaaaah! We're gonna die!
[Note to non-Discworld readers: Death is not yelling. His speech is just always represented by capital letters.]
Death: NO, YOU'RE NOT. WELL, YOU ARE, BUT NOT IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES, AT LEAST.
Doug: Then don't scare me like that!
Death: SORRY.
Sydney: What is going on here?
Doug: Oh, Sydney Fox, Seven of Nine, meet... well... Death.
Seven: Death? Is this an attempt at humour?
Doug: No, really. This is the anthropomorphic personification of Death.
Death: HELLO. I'M SORRY TO DISTURB YOU ALL, IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T OFTEN HAVE HOURGLASSES POP UP OUT OF NOWHERE LIKE THIS AND I WANTED TO SEE WHO THEY BELONGED TO.
Doug: We're just passing through. I expect once we leave, our lifetimers will go away as well. Um... I don't suppose you could let us see how much of our sand is left?
Death: SORRY. UNION RULES. BESIDES, WOULD YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?
Doug: [sighs] No, I guess not.
Sydney: What are you two talking about?
Doug: It's not important. Look, Death, it's been great meeting you, but we've got to get to Unseen U.
Death: GOOD-BYE, THEN. TELL RINCEWIND I SAID HELLO.
[Death vanishes.]
Doug: Is it just me, or was he smiling during that last bit?
Seven: How can you tell?
Doug: We should get going.
[Shortly, they arrive at the massive front gates of Unseen University and enter the grounds. They silently sneak in the University itself. It seems devoid of life.]
Sydney: Where is everybody?
Doug: [smacks forehead] Of course, I should've realized. From the look of the sun, it must be noon. It's time for one of the daily faculty lunches.
Seven: One of the lunches?
Doug: Wizards like their food.
[A scrawny-looking wizard with a sad attempt at a beard and a pointy hat with WIZZARD embroidered on it comes around the corner.]
Rincewind: Um, can I help you?
Doug: Rincewind! Buddy! We mean you no harm.
Rincewind: It always worries me when people greet me with "we mean you no harm."
Doug: But we don't, really! We just need to find the Librarian.
Rincewind: He's in the Library. Down the hall, sixth door on the left. You can't miss it.
Doug: Thanks. Oh, by the way, we saw Death earlier. He said hello.
[Wait a moment.]
Sydney: Boy. Can he ever run.
Doug: Healthy survival instinct, that man. I approve heartily. Let's go.
[A few minutes later, they enter the Library. The Librarian sits behind his desk, trying to eat a pen.]
Doug: [to Syd and Seven] Careful of the books, they bite. [to Librarian] Ahem. Hi, there.
Librarian: Ook.
Doug: My name is Doug, and this is Sydney and Seven.
Librarian: Ook. Ook?
Doug: Well, it's like this...
[Explanations are made.]
Doug: ...so, we would be eternally grateful if you could guide us to the Joxopolis library. From there, one of the Goddesses can send my new friends home.
Librarian: [thinks a little] Ook.
Doug: Thanks so much! I really appreciate this.
[The triumvirate (ooo, big word) follows the Librarian into the depths of the Library.]
Librarian: [holding out hand] Ook ook.
Doug: [taking the hand] Right. Okay, you two, form a chain. Here we go.
[They advance along the stacks, which just seem to go on and on, even though there should be a wall around here somewhere. Eventually, the Librarian lets go.]
Librarian: Ook.
Sydney: That's it, we're here?
Doug: Quick follow me!
[Doug runs to the front door to look out on the glory that is Joxopolis.]
Doug: Yes! I'm back! [turns to Librarian] Thank you so much! This is great! You feel free to visit us anytime, okay?
Librarian: [grinning] Ook.
[Johnny Bravo passes by.]
Johnny: Hey, it's the ugly chick.
Doug: You neanderthal. For the last time: I! Am! A! Man!
Johnny: Suuure. But, hey, brand new mamacitas!
[Johnny whooshes over to Sydney.]
Johnny: Hey, pretty mama. Want to hunt for my reli-- Ooooooo!
Sydney: Idiot.
Doug: Okay, you two, my hut's just over there. I'll introduce you to the others and... well, I guess you'll want to be going... I'll miss you.
Johnny: Okay, I'm all better. Say, what's with the monkey?
[The Librarian responds to "monkey" as he always does.]
Johnny: Medic...
Doug: [to his companions, ignoring Johnny] Well, I'll show you around.
Librarian: Ook.
[The three head for Doug's hut.]
Doug: Um... listen... I was wondering... if I could clear it with Tabs, would either of you mind... um, being...
Seven: Your "Toys"?
Doug: Well... yeah...
[Seven and Sydney look at each other for a moment.]
Seven: That would be acceptable.
Sydney: Sure. It's been fun.
Doug: That's great! You've just got to meet the others.
Theo: Doug?
Cleo: Doug? DOUG?! EEEEEEEE!
[Cleo and Theo tackle Doug as he enters HQ.]
Doug: Oooof! I love this place.
[Hel and Sarge watch cooly.]
Sarge: 'Bout time you got back.
Doug: I missed you too, Sarge.
Hel: You've been gone for days.
Doug: Days? That's it? It's been a good month for me. Anyway, I want you all to meet some new friends, who might be joining us here.
Sarge: Cleo cried to whole time you were gone.
Cleo: Sarge! Well... yeah, I did, but Sarge cried some too!
Sarge: I did not!
Cleo: Oh, you did too.
Sarge: Did not!
Cleo: Did too!
Sarge: Did NOT!
Doug: [sighs] It's good to be home...
[THE END. Isn't that a relief?]
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